Christian Living: Midlife, the Empty-Nest & Retirement

Sermon planned for Sunday, May 29th, 2011

Text: Genesis 45:1-4; 50:15-26; 2Kings 18:1-5;

What does it mean to be a disciple when faced with the physical and emotional challenges of midlife? What’s your role and purpose now that your children have moved out of the house? What does retirement look like for a Christian? Does our discipleship go into retirement? These are some of the questions that I’ve been wrestling with, in this past week. With this fourth part of the sermon series, we’re coming into areas of life where I have no personal experience. On Thursday I turned thirty-one. I’m young. I’m in the thirty-something category. Mid-life, the empty nest, and retirement are a mystery to me. And yet, I have the joyful opportunity to know many people living in these seasons of life. Many, if not most of you, are in one of these spaces.

Of the three – either midlife, the empty-nest, or retirement – it is midlife that’s perhaps the most difficult to identify. It’s relatively clear when you’re an empty-nester, and if you don’t know whether or not you’re retired, then you’re doing it wrong. Midlife, on the other hand, isn’t clearly set apart by something like having your children move out of the house; or having finished your last day of work at your job.

According to Wikipedia – the most trusted source of information since the invention of the local coffee shop – midlife is a time when people search for a new dream or goal, they have a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished, there’s a fear of humiliation among colleagues, a desire to feel young again, and a need to spend more time with peers. Some of these insecurities can result in behaviours like the abuse of alcohol, purchasing new expensive vehicles or getting a tattoo. Some will experience depression, and also blame themselves for failures. Others will pay more attention to how they look, suddenly worrying about their baldness, or what kind of clothes they’re wearing. Some will seek out relationships with younger people, and some will want to live vicariously through their children – putting a lot of pressure on their children to perform well, whether it’s in the area of sports, academics or their peer relationships.

I spent my time, this past week, thinking about some characters in the bible that give us a glimpse at the challenges, the obstacles, and the opportunities they faced in the seasons of mid-life and retirement. I thought of King David who, during his own mid-life crisis, decided to live-out his fantasies when he committed adultery with Bathsheba. In his mid-life, King Hezekiah became sick and fell into a kind of depression; with his body deteriorating, Hezekiah turned to God in prayer and praise. When Joseph met up with his brothers – the same brothers who had sold him into slavery – Joseph decided to put that part of his past to rest when he forgave them their offense and welcomed them to Egypt as family. And Abraham, just as he was entering his own retirement, he heard the call from God to go and start out on an adventure that would land him as the Patriarch of God’s people – the father of Isaac, who was the father of Jacob, who became the father of the twelve tribes of Israel. For Abraham, there was no such thing as retirement from God’s calling. The stories of these men give us a picture of the challenges and the opportunities that are present during mid-life and retirement.

I also had a great conversation with my mom and dad this past week. I talked to them and asked them about their experience of having their children become independent and move out of the house. I talked to my dad about some of his struggles during midlife and he said I could share some of them with you. This morning, I want to allow the stories of these biblical characters, and the experience of my parents, to help shape our own imagination of what it means to be a disciple in these seasons of life.

In 2nd Samuel, chapter eleven, we read the story of King David’s affair with Bathsheba, who was married to Uriah the Hittite. Verse one of that chapter reads as follows: "In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab with his officers and all Israel with him; they ravaged the Ammonites, and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem." What happened to King David – the man who went out to face Goliath? At the end of the chapter ten, David led his troops against the Ammonites and the Arameans. In chapter ten, verse eighteen, we read that his enemies fled before him. In verse nineteen, we read that David’s military victories compelled his other opponents to make peace with Israel. David’s powerful might shattered the alliance between the Arameans and the Ammonites. In chapter ten, King David is portrayed as a military genius; a strong and courageous King that rules over his opponents. And then, in the next chapter, we read about a different kind of king.

“In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle…” The author of 2nd Samuel was being as clear as he could be – in this time when King David should really have been going out to defend Israel… what did he do? He sent Joab, his officers and the armies of Israel to go and fight without him… “But David remained at Jerusalem.” The author of 2nd Samuel doesn’t tell us the reason why he stayed behind. This morning I want to suggest that King David was having a mid-life crisis.

David had been chosen by God to lead Israel as King. God had pointed him out to Samuel – setting him aside from all his older brothers. He was the champion of Israel, overcoming the strength of Goliath through his faith and trust in God. Nevertheless, King David was a troubled man. Many of his Psalms display a man who was afraid. He had many enemies. Every year he had a new battle to fight. War was a common thing – in fact, it had become an annual ritual, that in spring the Kings would go out to battle. It is the business of Kings and Presidents, Prime Ministers and Princes to regularly find reasons to spill blood. This life was not what David had hoped for. Many of his Psalms show that David’s deep desire was for a time of peace; other psalms display his paranoia. In Psalm 31:13: “I hear the whispering of many—terror all around!—as they scheme together against me, as they plot to take my life.”

David was constantly under attack. One year he was fighting off the Ammonites and the Arameans, and the next year he had to do it all over again. He was constantly surrounded by threats. This was not the life that King David signed-up for – not when Samuel blessed him and gave him assurance that He was the Lord’s Anointed King. It seems that King David thought life would be easy – that God would just wipe out every obstacle in front of him. But being King was hard work. And in chapter eleven we read about a King who had come to a crisis point. David was done with war. David was done with living in fear. David was done with being surrounded by enemies. And so, when spring came, and it was his duty to go out and defend Israel, King David shrunk back into his place of safety, and he remained in Jerusalem – the ‘city of David’.

Year after year, battle after battle, and enemy after enemy – King David was growing tired. No person can keep going for too long on that kind of routine. And when the body begins to slow down, and energy levels drop – depression becomes a very real possibility. David faced the realization that he would probably not achieve peace for Israel in his lifetime. Every spring, there would be another enemy to face – another region to defend. Was his entire life’s work a failure? Was God even listening to his pleas? I imagine questions like these haunted David as he chose to hide from his problems. And then there was Bathsheba; this woman bathing in the distance. King David wasn’t known as a lustful man. It’s not like he was a pervert who went spying on the good citizens of Jerusalem. But in that moment – in his desperation, in his struggle with failure… he figured that he could prove to himself that he was a man… that he could still prove to himself that he had power and courage. And so he called Bathsheba to his house and he slept with her.

In a twisted way, I’m guessing David thought that his affair with Bathsheba was proving his manliness, proving his power and strength. But it was doing the very opposite. He was committing adultery with a woman who was married to one of his best soldiers. Instead of defending his people as he was called to do – King David tried to shore-up against his own insecurities by becoming an enemy to his own devoted subjects. He became an enemy to Bathsheba and Uriah – to their marriage. He became an enemy to God, who commands us not to commit adultery. David is an example for us of a failure. Many of us fail. Many of us, when we come to the point where he was – when we come to the realization that our life hasn’t been what we thought it would be or should be – many of us become wrapped-up in attitudes and behaviours that resemble David’s failure. Our failures during this time of crisis might not be as public as David’s failure – they might not be as morally damaging as his failure… but many of us fail to navigate these mid-life challenges in a healthy way, in a way that bears witness to Christ.

The message we get from the story of David is that these failures don’t have to be the last word spoken about you. You might have been like the King who stayed home from battle… you might have failed in your duties and responsibilities… but your failure doesn’t have to be the final word spoken about you. In fact, God is waiting for you. God is waiting to join you in building a different ending to your story. God is waiting to join you in building a strong house – where you become the person you were called to be; courageous in living out your gifts and passions; bold in partnering with God in Kingdom-work.

We can be thankful that David’s story doesn’t end with failure. And we can be thankful that there are many other stories of people facing these kinds of crisis – people who didn’t fail. We don’t have to fail – we can choose to do the right thing. Take King Hezekiah as an example. Hezekiah, like David, was a King after God’s own heart. Hezekiah cleaned out all the foreign idols in Israel and called the people back to holiness and true worship of Yahweh. He did this all in his late twenties – he was my age. But he became very sick. His body was failing him. That’s what happens as we get older – our bodies slow down, our energy dissipates, our bones weaken. Hezekiah was sick and, like David, his enemies never stopped coming back for more. But instead of withdrawing from his responsibilities like David, instead of hiding from his weakness in the fake strength of sexual promiscuity, Hezekiah admitted his frailty. He called out to God for help. In the book of Isaiah, chapter thirty-eight, we can read Hezekiah’s prayer.

Read Isaiah 38:10-20

Hezekiah admitted his weakness. He acknowledged his depression. His body’s frailty had brought him to this place of despair. But instead of hiding from it, or pushing it under the carpet – he wrote about it, he faced it, and confessed it to God. That is an example for all of us who find ourselves despairing about life’s disappointments and our failure to be who we thought we should be.

We can be thankful for a man like Joseph. His brothers had sold him into slavery. His flesh and blood had become the worst kind of enemy. And when the opportunity came for Joseph to exact revenge on his brothers, what did he do? He forgave his brothers. Instead of seeing their offense as an unforgivable violence, Joseph had opened himself to the reality of God. And with God, even the most brutal forms of violence and sin can be transformed into opportunities for new life, new creation, healing and empowerment. Despite his brothers’ betrayal, God opened up an opportunity to bring hope and new life to Joseph’s family and the people of Israel.

We can be thankful for the story of Sarah and Abraham. Well on their way to retirement, Abram and Sarai were going to settle down with Terah, their father. Abram was seventy five years old and Sarai was sixty-five years old when they heard God’s call and journeyed to the land of Canaan. In their first years of retirement, God gave them a whole new calling; God made a covenant with them… and we know the rest of the story. In the story of Joseph we learn that God can create new opportunities for hope in the midst of traumatic events; and now, in the story of Abraham, we learn that God doesn’t really pay that much attention to age.

Like Abraham and Sarah, our own retirements do not spell the end of God’s plan for us – not at all. In fact, in some ways it’s just the opposite. Are you retired? What might God be calling you to, now that you’re not committed to a full-time job? One of my former pastors once told me: Marco, when you retire… all that means is that you’re no longer held back by a nine-to-five job; then your discipleship can go all-out in new and unique way.

If King David’s story helps us to see how the challenges of mid-life can result in disaster – how a failure to admit weakness results in grasping at straws – then stories like that of Hezekiah and Joseph remind us that we can choose to admit our brokenness, our decreasing capabilities, and the perspective of Joseph – that in all these things God still is able to bring about new life and new possibilities. We can learn from Abraham and Sarah that when our regular careers end in retirement, God is not finished with us. God still welcomes our partnership in bringing about His purpose. There is no retirement plan for discipleship.

My parents are a blessing to me, showing me how this lesson can be a true reality in regular life. They have been a great example to me in so many areas. They’ve modeled for me what it means to have God living at the centre of a marriage, joining a small group bible study as a couple in their fifties. They showed me how parenthood can be built upon the foundation of the gospel, instituting daily bible devotions as a family when I was just a young boy.

A few years back things started slowing down for my mom and dad. Their health was becoming a more and more complicated matter. A few years ago, my dad noticed an increasing fatigue at work. He’s had to slow down and isn’t able to do all the heavy lifting when he’s building basements. Don’t get me wrong – he’s still one of the strongest 59 year olds I know… but he’s slowing down. Accepting these limitations was a real challenge for him. His own struggle with depression began several years ago. This past week we talked about it in depth for the first time. The strong man I grew up admiring isn’t as physically strong as he once was. But what I admire about him now is that he was able to admit his struggle with increasing limitations, and decreasing energy and enthusiasm. He didn’t have to hide his weakness behind a new sports car. He didn’t have to seek the fake strength of sexual promiscuity.

I asked him what helped him during these midlife anxieties; he said that it was a determination to not give up, to not just sit there and mope. He ‘kicked himself in the butt’ and did what he could, recognizing that he just wasn’t able to do as much as when he was my age. The key thing was to accept himself with his weaknesses – and that’s not something that a lot of us younger folks have good role-models of. I’m grateful to him for that.

My conversation with my mom centered more on the topic of empty-nesting. Along with midlife and retirement, the ‘empty nest syndrome’ is a common struggle for many of us. Many marriages face their most difficult obstacle when the children leave home. If parents haven’t done a thorough job of cultivating a deep and intimate friendship with their spouse before and during parenthood, then the empty nest can be a real shocker.

If you are right smack-dab in the middle of parenting your children – my advice to you is that you find ways of deepening your relationship with your spouse. Don’t just talk about work and the kids. Cultivate a deep friendship, and fan the flame of passionate love between the two of you. It is your primary responsibility as husband and wife, and even as parents, that you and your spouse have a strong, intimate, passionate and healthy relationship. Your children deserve to see mom and dad passionately loving one another and taking time for each other. You should be able to tell your child: “Johnny, I know you don’t like it, but mom and I are going to spend this Saturday with each other and you’re going to grandmas for the day”.

Children… and this tip is for you… you need to demand that your mom and dad spend time together – to go on dates without you children… trust me, you want your parents to have a strong marriage. And to grandparents: make sure that you are fighting for your children’s marriages as well. Take the grandkids for a day or for a few days, but make sure that mom and dad are using that time for themselves – to build a deep friendship.

For those of you who are heading into the empty-nest – your children are all-growed-up and moving on – you’re experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions. Finally, you have time and freedom that you haven’t felt in ages. You have more time to do what you want rather than what your children want. But this empty nest isn’t all roses. Now, suddenly, there might be too much time alone – and you’re not used to that. It’s easy to feel somewhat useless if you’ve spent most of your married life looking after children and now that role has come to a kind of end. You can still serve your children, but it’s very very different. Then there’s the fact that you have to spend more time talking to your spouse – something that’s probably very new to both of you. I was just talking to someone this week who said that their parents fought for the first year after their children moved out. Is that your home? Will that be your home?

My younger brother and sister will be moving out of the home within the next two or three years. My parents are already planning to go on a missions trip to Paraguay, where they want to work at a leprosy mission. How did I end up with parents like this? They know that God isn’t finished with them – not at all. And I look forward to seeing the adventures they’ll take when the time’s right. How about you? When the children leave home, in what way will you open up your marriage and your life to God’s calling? Is there a missions trip you’ve always wanted to try? It’s good to take some holiday time during retirement – but don’t forget that your discipleship never goes on holidays. The waters of your Baptism are going to bring new opportunities for you; a fresh garden with a full harvest.

If you’re like David, having failed in the face of these challenges – remember that his failure wasn’t the end of his story. Repent from your sins and turn to God – He will forgive you your sin. God is passionately pursuing you. He wants to write a beautiful last chapter for you and your life. Will you let him? Think of Hezekiah and admit your own weaknesses and brokenness – and turn to God for help. He promises to uphold the weak. In Isaiah we read: “even to your old age I am he, even when you turn gray I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.” Think of Joseph, and know that the people who have hurt you in life don’t have to have power over you; the sins committed against you don’t have to be your prison. Open yourself to God and how He wants to bring about new life in spite of this pain, and how He already has given you hope. May these stories encourage you, as disciples, to engage mid-life, the empty nest, and retirement from a biblical imagination. May these stories provoke you, as disciples, to trust in the One who has carried you this far, and to surrender your life to God, who still has much more in store for you in this discipleship journey. May God bless you as you are encouraged and provoked by the Spirit at work within you. Amen.